You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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