He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
you will always have a special place in my vag
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
