you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
