So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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