I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
