My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
