EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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