I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
