I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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