I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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