Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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