I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
