Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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