it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
