I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
