i just sent this text using only my big toe
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
