for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
