she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Randomize
