if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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