I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
