I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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