listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
