I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
