I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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