if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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