a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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