I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
