i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
