Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
