he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
