Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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