when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
