If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
