I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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