He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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