No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Randomize
