I can't breathe out the right side of my face
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
