you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
