We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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