i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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