I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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