i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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