just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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