I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
