I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
