mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize