Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
