I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
