dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
