I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
