At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
