you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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