i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Randomize
