Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
i've created a new STD.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
