i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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