he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
