Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
