sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
