You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He passed out mid-signature
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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