My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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