shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
