life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
