he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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