I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
