fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
