really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
