You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
