The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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