holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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